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And that was the news for Wednesday.

Not much else to say about yesterday specifically, so I won’t.

It’s picking back up, but over the last few days I’ve been feeling a bit down. I guess this is partly because I’ve went from quite a busy time – getting the ceilings done, all the birthdays in May including my own at the end – to having nothing on the calendar at all to plan for or look forward to, and partly because of having to deal with malicious idiots a couple of times last week.
I should probably be quite chuffed that both of those combined added up to less than a week of being a bit down, losing a couple of days’ work and so on; a lot of times either of them could have put me down further and longer. On that front things are certainly looking up.

I’m not sure why I let people bother me so much. After all, I *expect* them to be hateful, obnoxious, malevolent morons, so surely when they confirm my suspicions I should just shrug it off as par for the course? Perhaps I hold on to some hope or optimism that people aren’t as bad as I think, so I still get disappointed by them? Perhaps it’s just that humans are social animals and, no matter how much we dislike it, that’s just the way our stupid primitive monkey-brains are wired.

The other thing is easy to understand: nothing on the calendar makes you feel that your life is empty and pointless*, that you’re not going anywhere – so why get up in the morning? Why care about work? My job’s not an end in itself, it just provides money to afford to eat and do stuff, and means I don’t have to look for a job to get money to afford to eat and do stuff. If I’m not doing anything then money becomes worthless** and therefore so does work (and worse, it’s worthless in Visual Basic. Urgh). Coupled with Getting Old it makes you feel like by winding up here you’ve wasted the last decade, maybe even fifteen years. If I Knew Then What I Know Now. It would probably wind up the same because whilst I know what’s wrong with me I don’t know how to do what I need to do to fix it. But I guess I’d have fifteen years’ extra practice, and back then everybody else was pretty clueless too so I’d be less out of place.

You would think that this would mean I was looking forward to going out to the open mic night on Thursday (Plans! Vague facsimile of social interaction!), but it actually makes me more anxious about standing around by myself than usual. At least this time I’ve got a shiny ‘phone with internet access (topped up especially), but that might hinder more than help in the grand scheme of things. What worries me is that what I really have to do is talk to people and, well, I wrote an entire post about that. Who knows where you’d even start. Although it turns out “Are you antipodean?” is not the right place; one down, only an infinite number of sentences left to rule out!

But I shall force myself to go (it’s good for me so I don’t have to enjoy it), and I’ll probably get some satisfaction out of doing so. And most of the bands are pretty good, too. But the worrying and the (not) talking is tedious, but oh for crying out loud it’s only going to the ruddy pub.

 

* Of course, it is empty, as shown by the calendar; and it is pointless, as shown by physics. But deluding yourself about these things is important.
** Subjectively. I try not to think about economics too hard, because it just reminds you that money is objectively worthless and then you just want to scream about the whole crazy system.

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